You might call it a doer-upper…

Filed under Strange things I have seen, The work of insanity on March 24

I see a lot of pre-market properties in need of a fair dose of material improvement. Often, the most spectacular are probates which have not been ostensibly modified in any way since the days of rationing. Take this place I saw the other day off the North End Road. Not fit to stash a dead dog in.
For a start the kitchen clearly had rabies. The tap was stuck on, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop the water. It is still gushing as you read this – the waste makes me cringe. looking under the sink for a stopcock, all I found was one of them ACME bugsprayers. What a relief! I thought I would never see one. It probably still had some mustard gas left in it.
The bathroom was an entirely different story- check out that Habsburg lightswitch rope. Imperial. The toilet let the room down, mind. It looked like it had just been used by my mate Currymaster Dave.
The lounge wall was stained with the picture shadows – the work of decades no doubt. Strangely beautiful, like nuclear shadow.

Now if I told you there was a garden with this flat you might think it would be a complete shitheap, and you would be right.

It is the sort of garden where even the resident Wombles do speedballs before nipping out to turn tricks.

Rest-assured, this little rat’s nest will be turned round into a bijou little renter before long. But I do enjoy seeing these weird old derelicts. I always feel like I am walking into a gruesome museum exhibit organised by the editor of Viz.

Journal 4: Corporate art? Not in my street thank you very much

Filed under Streets of London on June 23

Some painfully unimaginative property developers have put up these banal ‘lifestyle’ flats on the North End Road in West Kensington:

 Charming, I am sure you will agree.

The North End Road can be a bit rough in parts, and I love it for the combination of hopelessly crap old shops and great ones . Crap shops like the shitty video store that only appears to sell second-hand Barbara Cartland novels and sun-bleached adult dvds. Great shops like the Portuguese caff which sells lovely rich coffee at a pound a pop The place makes you feel like you are properly abroad when you step inside. Mind you, some of the food in there looks a bit dodge. Last time I went in they had a greasy pile of fried eggs lurking in the refrigerator. However, the food generally improves after the proprietor returns from holiday with lots of hams and goat’s cheeses she has found in the countryside near Porto.

Anyway, above new development obviously needed some signature art. Just to give it that classy air, that dez-rez jenesaisquoi. Unhappily, the developer’s lack of aesthetic insight is extended to the choice of three underwhelmingly small ‘standing stones’ dumped in in a clump of foliage. It looks pathetic.

I was amused to see that the locals must assume they are crap which must have been fly-tipped there. They seem to be attracting a bit of refuse. Don’t people recognise Art when they see it?

Clearly not then.