A conversation between Dave the Craggg and me whilst eating an unreasonably hot curry

-Dave, I’ve gone deaf

-Tom. What you need is more chilli.

-What the fuck are you talking about, didn’t you hear me? I’m fucking lip-reading

-I know. Trust me. Have some more chilli

-Okay. I just pissed I think. Or maybe it’s just my thighs bleeding

-Good stuff, this is really super good curry. I’m oscillating between the Earth and Mars.

-What? Sorry, I couldn’t see your lips

-Tom, have some of this psychedelic chilli sauce

-Dave, the waiters are looking at us like reprobates. It’s not like we are eating crack

-I am eating crack.

-Don’t you mean extra hot chicken Phal with extra chilli, with chopped Naga chilli on the side?

-Yes, Tom, yes.

-Right. I want more wine

-Tom, you know what we need is this special chilli my mate Angstrum heard about. It is only grown in a cave near Taunton under special hydronic lights

-You can’t have hydroponic lights

-Yes you can Tom. I have smelled them.

-Right. What the fuck is going on? I think I just heard something snap. Did you hear that? Like a pinging thong on a cold, fat thigh

-We need to get our hands on this chilli, Tom. It is forty-three times hotter than a Naga. It is called the Psychic Shitstorm

-Dave, that sounds like the time we drove back from that free party at seven in the morning and almost got into a fight with that pompous bitch in Jodhpurs

-What a twat

-Twat.

-Waiter, can we have another plate of chopped green chilli please? And some more bottles of wine? Thank you. Look at that mad fucker

You might call it a doer-upper…

I see a lot of pre-market properties in need of a fair dose of material improvement. Often, the most spectacular are probates which have not been ostensibly modified in any way since the days of rationing. Take this place I saw the other day off the North End Road. Not fit to stash a dead dog in.
For a start the kitchen clearly had rabies. The tap was stuck on, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop the water. It is still gushing as you read this – the waste makes me cringe. looking under the sink for a stopcock, all I found was one of them ACME bugsprayers. What a relief! I thought I would never see one. It probably still had some mustard gas left in it.
The bathroom was an entirely different story- check out that Habsburg lightswitch rope. Imperial. The toilet let the room down, mind. It looked like it had just been used by my mate Currymaster Dave.
The lounge wall was stained with the picture shadows – the work of decades no doubt. Strangely beautiful, like nuclear shadow.

Now if I told you there was a garden with this flat you might think it would be a complete shitheap, and you would be right.

It is the sort of garden where even the resident Wombles do speedballs before nipping out to turn tricks.

Rest-assured, this little rat’s nest will be turned round into a bijou little renter before long. But I do enjoy seeing these weird old derelicts. I always feel like I am walking into a gruesome museum exhibit organised by the editor of Viz.

Summer Solstice Blues

It is the summer solstice already. The weather is still grey, damp, and distinctly un-Summery. Fuck. I might have to emigrate to the sun at this rate.

There is not much hope of having a more satisfactory Summer here. I recently read Tacitus’s description of British weather two thousand years ago: “Their sky is obscured by continual rain and cloud.” He also describes the manifest British religion of Druidism. Not much has changed by the looks of things (except that the Druids aren’t ripping out human entrails with golden sickles). 

The last (and only time) I went to Stonehenge was three years ago by my reckoning. It was an interesting experience not so much for any earth-womb spiritual malarky. It was interesting because the flock of rag-tag pikeys and trustafarians (dreadlocked middle-class hippies with public school educations and trust-funds) who descend on the soggy plains near Salisbury exemplify a strange aspect of modern British subculture.

Apparently 30,000 people descended on Stonehenge for the solstice last night. When I was there it must have been a quarter of that figure. I was in Bristol and at some point late in the evening Dave the Craggg and I decided to jump in the mighty Steed and motor on down to the fields of the crusty folk.

I remember that Dave packed two of his comfortingly-battered old canteens, filled with deliciously sweet, milky tea. I also remember discovering that he had hastily munched down a pungent pasta with tomato sauce when he let out the most incredible belch in the car. I do not remember ever having to open the car window before just because someone had burped, and I reckon I won’t ever have to again. Then again, never say never…

Anyhow, we stopped in the middle of the Salisbury plain for Dave to orate some poetry about stars while I grumbled about how polluted the night sky is in London.

When we got to Stonehenge, it took a moment to recognise the stones because they were covered with punters (the solstice is the only time when the prehistoric monuments are accessible to the public. I could see that half the cred-lock crowd had decamped from Bristol to slum it with genuinely penniless hippies. There were big plastic bottles of scrumpy cider swilling from mouth-to-mouth, heavily pierced cyber-chicks twirling poi and fire-sticks, and generally loads of munters stumbling round with plastic bags full of intoxicants. It was the usual scene. It was like a big after-rave party with abnormally few casualties.

The pikeys were having lots of fun threatening the rather un-amused policemen with their lewd bottles of cider. I remember a vegan activist talking with joyful anger to a druid about one of the things that irritated her about the world. My friends who I bumped into were confused as to whether or not they should be raving, and whether the lack of the music mattered to this point. All in all it was a curious event, neither a party nor a spiritual occasion (at least for the majority).

What I find interesting about hippies is not their hypocrisy. Condemning commercialism, capitalism, and materialism whilst their lifestyles are underwritten by the bank accounts of mummy and daddy. That just gives a good reason to give them the abbreviated name ‘hippies’. Fifty years ago these young ladies and gentlemen would have had good late-imperial careers ahead of them. Now there is nowhere for them to put their idealism.

A lot of the politics which goes along with the modern hippy culture in Britain is preposterously conspiratorial. The environmentalism is great. But the often severely judgmental view of popular culture, economics, and politics is helping no-one.

For this drifting element of our society, the Solstice is the time for them to have their say, to dance on a boulder without getting pushed off by the police, to feel proud of their opinions. Either that or it’s a good excuse to get fucked up on cider and crap their underwear in public.

In the end no-one new exactly when the sun rose because it was so cloudy  (like last night I gather). It was a bit of an anticlimax as you would imagine. Sporadic fits of cheers spread over about half an hour is not quite what I had in mind. Bah. Nevertheless, wiser for the experience, Dave and I left the muddling crowd to their boggy revels as we clambered back in the Steed and home to Bristol.