I happen to know that subsidence is a bit of a problem in Hammersmith, probably to do with the geology of a riverside area. But the instability of the terrain is spectacularly evident in the cemetary behind Charing Cross Hospital. Look at the skewiffity:

There are kissing crosses, tumbled obelisks, undulating grave plots and rickety crosses. This is a freeze-frame still from an earthquake disaster film. And it must be a nightmare for gravediggers, what with the peril of drowning in the quicksand under 6ft.

But somehow there is something wonderfully poetic here. The Edwardian pertness of the writing contrasts with the chaotic dilapidation.

Perhaps someday the council will get round to doing something to level things out. What am I talking about, this isn’t the 19th century where gravediggers would polish their spades at the end of the day. Perhaps this is really what that underlying contrast signifies – the old world of grandiose, sublimely egotistical monuments and the modern world of council budgeting and… well… wonkiness. Anyway, I am glad for a bit of preserved decline: rectilinearity is as boring as school assembly.

Last time I saw a Great Dane I was sitting in Clissold Park. I was on a bench eating a bagel or something and I looked up to see this friendly behemoth plodding toward me. I genuinely thought I was in a dream.

Match the odd descriptions with the photographs from my life! Win a prize!*

a.  A pretty array of component drawers in Cricklewood Electronic which is in Cricklewood

b. A fucking weird epitaph if ever I saw one

c. A tantalising view into the courtyard of a mysterious, anonymous, and ominous public building in Olympia. One local reckons it is the Royal bookstore, which I suppose means pornography collection

d. Notting Hill vinyl exchange. Which is a funny name for it as they only ever seem to exchange vinyl for money, which makes it more of a shop.

e. Tattoo of a young child on the palm of her uncle

f. The cool reflective muddle created by my flashy yet over-specified perspex Muji in-tray

*Prize is to decide upon and supply the prize for the next Funny Game competition