£50.50 for £130

Filed under Lies, Streets of London on November 23

What a mark-up! These guys are virtually printing money.

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Final News of the World webpage analysis: Tits of Shame

Filed under Alas, Food for thought, Lies, The work of insanity on July 10

Today is momentous: it marks the final publication of “The World’s Greatest Newspaper”, capping off 168 years of proud history.

GREATEST

To mark this great event, I have decided to read the newspaper. Well, go to its website. And read the front page. Although the “The World’s Greatest Newspaper” might demand deeper reading, you may think, I found more than enough juicy journo goss to go on without clicking any deeper.

BINGE OF FRONT SPREADS

Keywords in the NOTW nostalgia binge of front spreads:

  • SHAME (three times)
  • HUNTLEY
  • HARRY [the prince pictured 3 times]
  • RACIST
  • DRUG
  • VICE
  • GAY BAR (it’s there on the left)
  • OVEN
I also saw three nipples. Glad they pushed the boat out.

PECCADILLO

I learn that the “greatest” newspaper in the world is proven to be a force for good in the article: News of the World proved it is a force for good Let us consider its obviously altruistic coverage of the abduction and murder of Sarah Payne, and its ensuing  campaign to catch the paedophiles lurking in our society. In some ways, I thought for a brief moment, this might actually make up for hacking into the answer phone of murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler, and deleting messages to make the parents think she might be still alive. Do not let such a peccadillo lead you to think that this “greatest” of crusading and righteous newspapers might have been trying to profit from the suffering of the vulnerable. The Soham murder phone-hacking neither.

PROUD STANCHION

So farewell proud stanchion of justice. We shall miss your steely courage, and determined pursuit of truth and journalistic EXCELLENCE; the wise and ironic juxtaposition of STUNNING page 3 tits and the bloody OUTRAGE of SEX OFFENCE; the close and important tracking of the affairs of Prince Harry and Peter André; the stunning spray of block capital exultation; and your resolution to leave no stone unturned, no moral boundary unquestioned, no phone untroubled in that endless quest to be “The world’s greatest newspaper”

NEWS OF THE WORLD 1843-2011, REST IN PISS

Lies, damn lies, and baldness remedies

Filed under Food for thought, Lies on August 28

My local acupuncturist reckons he can cure baldness with some needles.

I am sure they got the promotional picture from a wigmaker’s catalogue.

I tried acupuncture once for a bad back. Needles felt funny. The electricity they put through them felt funnier. The cupping (suckering cups on to your back using the vacuum from a match) felt a bit silly. Back felt just the same.

The kicker to acupuncture is the medicine. They give you a brown paper bag filled with assorted herbs and bits and bobs which you are meant to boil and steep and then drink. To anyone who has not had the pleasure, you can make your own brew by visiting your local park, grabbing a couple of handfuls leaves and crap from under a bush and boiling it in water. The flavour is fantastically nasty.

Mm, not quite what my back was in need of. I’ll take a good old-fashioned punch in the kidneys every time.