I see a lot of pre-market properties in need of a fair dose of material improvement. Often, the most spectacular are probates which have not been ostensibly modified in any way since the days of rationing. Take this place I saw the other day off the North End Road. Not fit to stash a dead dog in.
For a start the kitchen clearly had rabies. The tap was stuck on, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop the water. It is still gushing as you read this – the waste makes me cringe. looking under the sink for a stopcock, all I found was one of them ACME bugsprayers. What a relief! I thought I would never see one. It probably still had some mustard gas left in it.
The bathroom was an entirely different story- check out that Habsburg lightswitch rope. Imperial. The toilet let the room down, mind. It looked like it had just been used by my mate Currymaster Dave.
The lounge wall was stained with the picture shadows – the work of decades no doubt. Strangely beautiful, like nuclear shadow.
Now if I told you there was a garden with this flat you might think it would be a complete shitheap, and you would be right.
It is the sort of garden where even the resident Wombles do speedballs before nipping out to turn tricks.
Rest-assured, this little rat’s nest will be turned round into a bijou little renter before long. But I do enjoy seeing these weird old derelicts. I always feel like I am walking into a gruesome museum exhibit organised by the editor of Viz.