North End Road 11am

The local dodgy mobile shop has branched out into men’s grooming. This sandwich board is utter genius. And entirely serious. I think the proprietor’s son must have pretensions of becoming an artist, turning his back on the family phone-unlocking and hairdressing empire.

Good enough for Ming the Merciless, good enough for me…

Check out the services on offer too:

I love the idea of going in and asking: ‘I’ll have a shape-up and eyebrows please. And while your at it, give me a price on all these phones I found.’

I dread to think why a boy’s head becomes so much more expensive to cut between 12 and 14. Maybe puberty makes your hair tougher. Apparently the barber is superstitious and refuses to serve 13 year olds.

Sand’s End 12pm

This Polish builder dreams of buying a farm back on the rich eastern plains.

For now he can make do with a sprouting onion, floating in a torn up can of Kronenberg. Well it’s a start, isn’t it?

Hammersmith Polish Centre 1pm

Sex chat. Musical sex chat.